I'm Done Being Nice...
***This post was originally written in June of 2016. After seeing this topic surface multiple times recently I thought it an appropriate time to refresh and repost it. Considering the global crisis and heightened racial justice reckoning we’ve experienced over the last two years, it seems more appropriate than ever.***
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I'm done being nice, but I will never stop being kind.
For a long time, I didn't know the difference between these two words. Now, kindness is a value by which I live and niceness, well… it still sneaks in at times but holds much less weight than it used to.
In the summer of 2016, I was honored and humbled to partake in a few of the activities in Louisville to celebrate the life of The Champ, the GOAT, the one and only, Muhammad Ali. I was so moved, awe-struck and inspired, not by his incredible physical and athletic achievements (which were extraordinary), but more by his integrity, courage, spirit, faith, humility, sense of humor and his kindness.
A recurring theme so many spoke of, in remembrance of Ali, was The Golden Rule and how he, more than anyone they ever knew, lived it so beautifully. He treated everyone, no matter what, with the respect, honesty and kindness with which he wished to be treated. He wasn’t always nice, but he was kind to everyone.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I can remember a time when I would have rather had people be nice to me than kind. I wasn't ready for the honesty of kindness. I didn't yet have the courage, capacity or language for it. Nice was the best I could do. I didn't yet comprehend that not being nice and pleasing didn't make me a bad person.
Nice. Kind. What's the difference?
Nice is pleasing and smooth. Nice is what we do and say when we don't want to rock the boat. Nice is keeping everything status quo and not ruffling any feathers. Nice is saying things that people want to hear. Nice is pleasantries. Nice is automatic and habitual. Nice comes from our heads and is calculated. Nice is how we describe something when we can't or don't want to think of any distinguishing characteristics. Nice is holding our tongues out of fear. Nice does not take a stand and nice isn't always honest.
Nice cultures keep systems of oppression firmly in place.
Kindness, on the other hand, comes from your courageous heart. Kindness is mindful and takes a little more time. Kindness goes deeper than pleasantries. Kindness has integrity. Kindness puts honesty before approval even if that means saying things people don't want to hear or doing things that challenge the norm. Kindness puts the connected, collective good above the immediate individual's needs. Kindness has that special quality of saying and doing unpopular things from a place of love and justice, not anger or defensiveness. Kindness is NOT saying something that doesn't need to be said out of compassion, not fear.
Kind cultures use courage, empathy and compassion to honestly assess, openly discuss and directly address systems of privilege and oppression.
At times in the past, folks have confused my distaste for aggression (words, actions, energy) with a need for information or conversations to be sugar-coated, subtle or partially true. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I find aggression and harshness to be counterproductive. I want honesty, clarity and directness with kindness and compassion. It’s possible to have both. In fact, it’s imperative for trust, meaningful relationships and healthy cultures.
Why is it that when we need to do or say something unpopular or that may not please someone, we armor up, become defensive, and throw the message out as quickly (and often carelessly) as possible? Because displeasing people or going against the grain is scary. Most of us grew up in a nice culture where conformity or harmony trumped truth. Being truthful requires vulnerability which is usually uncomfortable. But, the kindest thing we can do in any relationship is to own and speak our truth.
This is true for the collective as well. Speaking truth to power in organizations and other cultures is one of the kindest, bravest things we can do.
Speaking our truth does not mean we have a blatant disregard for other people’s feelings or experiences. It means we don’t let the anticipation of conflict from speaking our truth stop us from speaking it. We can and must create kind and safe containers to be able to hold everyone's truth and experiences even if they are vastly different.
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." - His Holiness, the Dalai Lama
Since I’ve learned to differentiate nice and kind, this quote from the Dalai Lama takes on a whole new meaning to me. It is always possible to be kind, but it isn’t always easy. Being kind takes consciousness and faith. As Brené Brown says, it takes “choosing courage over comfort”. But since we’ve all felt the feeling of misalignment or resentment when we haven’t been truly honest and kind, it’s an important distinction to remember.
Thank you for showing us the way. RIP, Champ!